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“The dark nights are drawing in
And your humor is as black as them
I look at yours, you laugh at mine
And ‘love’ is just a miserable lie”

The Unloveable Morrissey Gift Guide is back just in time for another miserable Valentine’s Day. Yes, I am aware that I have left you with very little time to receive your items by Valentine’s Day, to which I say: If you were a real Morrissey fan, you would be alone and shopping for yourself anyway. Squander your cash, be rash.

If you missed my guide last year definitely check it out, I made a special effort not to duplicate any products this year. A few of last year’s picks are sadly no longer available, but there are still plenty of ways to be a charming man (or woman, or whatever you want to be – just be a charming one).

tumblr_oh2pkypIyN1ukrzvgo1_1280Daisy and Aster not only has tons of cute ready-to-ship mugs, pins and other things in their shop (I am particularly a fan of their UFO “hop in dork” design,) but they also take custom orders which means for a mean $30 you can get your favorite Morrissey or Smiths lyrics (or anything else) hand-painted onto a coffee mug. They’ve done tons of Moz-inspired designs – follow them on Instagram to see more!

Last year my friend Melisser’s shop Sabretooth Dream made the top of the list with their Nobody’s Nothing pin and this year they’re back, not only with an amazing chenille patch of the same design, but also a collection of Moz-themed pins and patches. If you’re in Chicago make sure to stop by Melisser’s new shop, Flair (2354 N St. Louis Avenue).

If at least part of your Morrissey fandom is based on his herbivorous nature, this It Takes Strength to Be Gentle and Kind goat necklace is the one for you, fatty. I also feel the need to make a “Moz is the GOAT joke here. There, I did it and now we’re both embarrassed. You can also get this quote on a t-shirt from me!

Screen_Shot_2016-10-17_at_2.38.52_PM_largeLast year I featured another Chicago company, LastCraft – I have two of their Morrissey prayer candles on my personal shrine. You can grab those, along with several other Moz-themed pins and patches. I use my Big Mouth Strikes Again tote bag almost every single day, and don’t even get me started about the Higher the Hair the Closer to Moz patch. (P.S. Even though they’ve spent the past few decades slinging wonderfully British insults like “whingebag” at each other, I also have lots of love for Robert Smith, and LastCraft has lots of odes to him, too!)

One of my favorite previous finds were elaborately decorated Smiths cookies on Etsy – vegan, of course. That baker doesn’t seem to be around anymore, so I figure the next best thing is to make my own damn cookies (and other food) using the Defensive Eating with Morrissey: Vegan Recipes from the One You Left Behind Vegan Cookbook. This book features a ton of weirdly wonderful fever dream illustrations of Moz mashed up with pop culture icons like Garfield and even Freddy Krueger.

615vyh+LDrLThis year a good friend got me this Morrissey tea towel (along with a Robert Smith one…shhhhhh) for my birthday and my gift to you is telling you about it. This same shop also has a pretty stellar set of Oasis towels as well. Hm, do I need to make an Oasis fan gift guide? What’s a good holiday for two people who hate each other but make beautiful music together? Oh, I guess this one.

There are some bad people on the rise, and there are some bad Morrissey shirts on the Internet. But these are my picks for the good ones:

14553188_1786034691616398_3852830447583100928_nAnd finally, because you can never have too many… here are some of my favorite Morrissey/Smiths pins and patches:

Did I miss any of your favorites? Tell me in the comments!