Sadly this 2007 picture is the most recent photo of me holding a book in existence.

I guess now is as good of a time as any to tell you guys that I’ve been writing a book. It’s what you might call a real corset-buster, full of heaving bosoms and gallant gentlemen. On each page I transport my readers to a world in which fair-skinned and rosy-cheeked maidens tend to unicorns, and mischievous forest nymphs play tricks on the olde shopkeeper much to the delight of his fiery, redheaded wife.

And while that has been keeping me fairly busy, I have also been scribbling away at a cookbook called Bake and Destroy (clever, I know.) Since 2006 I’ve been your go-to girl for wacky cupcake ideas and death metal-themed crock pot recipes so I figured it was time to book this bitch before I overstay my welcome.

I’ve published over 300 recipes on this blog, can you believe that? But I want my book to have a lot of new stuff in it for you guys – why buy the cow on Amazon when you can get the milk for free on WordPress, am I right? So if you happen to notice that I’m not blogging a ton, that is why. Blame my book. More specifically, blame my agent Sally who gave me the cajones to write a book. Also talk to her if you are interested in publishing said book. Hopefully she will be done being mad at me for sassing a would-be publisher by the time this post goes live. Turns out, I’m a smart ass and I have a terrible temper, who knew?

Anyway, you guys are the reason I keep posting every week, so I wanted to give you a peek at the sort of thing you can expect from Bake and Destroy: The Not-Free Version. (Title in progress.) So here’s one of the pizzas you’ll find in Bake and Destroy: Less Talk, More Tacos. I call it Shepherd’s Pie Pizza and as someone who ate it for dinner tonight, I am happy to say it’s total mouthparty material.

In the book I’ll give a few pizza crust recipes. For the time being, I suggest either making your favorite crust or buying a pre-made one. Also, the pizza I made tonight was vegan, but if you don’t have non-dairy stuff in the house you can use cream and butter instead. Same goes for the seitan, although don’t look at me for instructions on cooking meat. I’ve been a vegetarian since I was 19.

You’ll need:

• 1 pizza crust

For the “sauce”:

• 1 lbs russet potatoes
• 2 Tbs soy creamer
• 2 Tbs Earth Balance margarine
• 1/2 cup red onion, chopped
• 2 cloves garlic, chopped
• 1 tsp fresh rosemary, chopped (or 1/2 tsp dry)
• 1 tsp fresh thyme, chopped (or 1/2 tsp dry)
• A splash of oil for sautéing

I got a little nuts with the corn...

Toppings:

• 1 package Upton’s ground seitan (or your favorite ground beef substitute)
• 1 cup frozen carrot, peas and corn kernels (you can find them mixed together in most grocery stores, or if you prefer to buy them separately just mix them together so you have 1 cup. You can also use fresh, but be sure to cut the carrots small and steam them or they’ll be to crunchy on your pizza.)
• Salt & pepper to taste.

Then you:

Pre-heat your oven to 400 degrees. Peel the potatoes and cut into 1/2-inch dice. Place in a saucepan and cover with cold water. Over high heat, cover the pan and bring the water to a boil. Then lower the temperature to a simmer and cook the potatoes until you can easily smash them with a fork or tongs (10-15 mins.)

While the potatoes cook, cut your onion and garlic. You’re going to puree them, so don’t worry about getting all Morimoto with your chopping. Sautee with a splash of oil in a small pan over a medium flame. Cook until tender.

Drain the potatoes and place them in a blender or food processor. Add the garlic, onion, soy creamer, margarine and herbs. Puree until smooth. If you’re low-tech you can hand-mash this mixture but it’s going to have lumps.

Spread the potato mixture over your pizza crust and top with seitan, frozen veggies and a generous dash of salt and pepper. (We sprinkled some Daiya vegan cheese on half just to see if we liked it. Shepherd’s pie doesn’t normally have cheese in it, but it’s also not normally a pizza, so go crazy.)

Bake for 15-20 minutes, until everything is warm and toasty.

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So like I said, I’m still in the development stages with a lot of these recipes. With this one in particular I’m debating whether or not to incorporate tomato, which is normally found in a shepherd’s pie.

Try it out and let me know what you think!