There are two things I’m looking forward to next week: my son turning five, and the DVD release of Cannibal Corpse’s Global Evisceration.

Featuring cover art by Vince Locke, this 3-hour long DVD release features footage from two live shows and plenty of behind the scenes stuff. Aside from Pee-wee’s Playhouse, Cannibal Corpse is one of the only things I have consistently liked since I was a child.

Tony isn’t much for death metal, but he came up with a recipe in honor of Global Evisceration anyway, because that’s what good husbands do. Oh, and he just bought a crock pot despite my protests that everything that comes out of a crock pot tastes like sadness and old people. So far he’s been proving me wrong, including this time with his spicy, savory Shredded Humans. (Oh, and its vegan because I like to listen to songs like Butchered at Birth but I’m too snobby to eat meat.)

You’ll need:

  • Your favorite meat substitute (2 packages of extra firm tofu, pressed; a package of chickenless strips, 20oz drained young jackfruit in brine, etc.)
  • 2 cloves of garlic, minced
  • 1 & 1/2 cups ketchup (read the label, they sneak high fructose corn syrup in there – avoid that!)
  • 3 Tbs brown sugar
  • 2 Tbs low-sodium soy sauce
  • 1 Tbs apple cider vinegar
  • 1 tsp Sriracha chili sauce
  • 1 tsp onion powder

Throw everything in the crock pot and cook on low for 5-6 hours. Serve on lettuce, or on your favorite roll. We had it on a pretzel roll because we’re fancy.

For more gruesome recipes, check out my book The Joy of Cooking Humans (featuring recipes that call for human flesh!) Available for FREE download here.

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