Every year I think I’m going to boycott Valentine’s Day and every year Tony and I end up getting each other way too much stuff, going out for a giant, expensive dinner and wondering whatever happened to boycotting Valentine’s Day.

This year I thought I’d poke around and see if I could find not only things most of my readers would love to receive on February 14th, but also things that might inspire you to make something for your Lovey Loverson this year. My trade magazine writing teacher says crafting is dead, but I disagree. Lame crafting is dead. Making rad stuff will live forever.

So, I’m starting this “list” with something sexy because 1) only five-year-olds don’t know what Valentine’s Day is really about and 2) I really wanted to post this picture of this pin up’s backside. She’s wearing retro-inspired lingerie from What Katie Did. Retro underthings are the best, if you’re super skinny it gives you curves and if you’re curvier than you’d like (What are you thinking? You’re gorgeous!) your body was made for this sort of thing. I would also like to put in a formal request for the return of the bullet bra. It’s just so weird and awesome. I love boobs as weapons. Ok, now for the inspiration part: if you don’t have time to order this stuff, or you don’t have the funds, you can get really hot retro-style bras and panties at Forever 21’s accessory store at the mall and even Target carries fishnets. Go to your local bookstore, get a copy of Motel Fetish and roll around on your dirty carpet. Everyone is sexy on Valentine’s Day.

I ask you, what is sex without violence? Why not pay tribute to the world’s most famous horny junkie Sid Vicious with an organic edible handgun from The Bleeding Heart Bakery? When I saw these in the bakery I stopped and rubbed my eyes all cartoon-style. “Huh?” This is real? Amazing! Chef Michelle Garcia has an entire line of whiskey and chocolate treats including cupcakes (there’s even a vegan version.) This would be a great gift for your recently divorced friend, or to your not-so-romantic boy or girlfriend. If you’re afraid a chocolate firearm might send the wrong message, they also have dark chocolate covered bacon, again 100% organic. The girl behind the counter told me a customer ordered a dozen to be sent to her friend’s office. How amazing would a bacon bouquet be? I don’t even eat meat and I would be psyched on that.

When I asked my husband about Valentine’s gifts for men he mentioned the gift he just bought himself (which I’ll add in a minute) and added gadgets are the only thing men really like to get for holidays like this because “dudes don’t want fancy underwear.” I pointed out that fancy underwear, and many other so-called gifts for women are actually gifts for men. I like fancy underwear, don’t get me wrong, but when it comes down to it do I want a string of red lace wedged in my butt crack or does Tony? I apologize for that visual. So I thought of some stuff that works both ways, like this massage bar set from Lush. Lush, for those of you who have lived this long without it, is the greatest place on earth. It smells like heaven, it’s all handmade and natural and most importantly, it reminds us to soak in the tub once in a while. These massage bars are a great two-way gift. Either way, one of you gets a back rub and one of you gets to hold the back rub over the other one’s head to get whatever it is you’d like that particular night. I’m sure some of you are thinking all sorts of dirty things right now. Me? I’m thinking, “if I use this on Tony I can get him to go get me a bowl of ice cream when Lost is on.” My grandma reads my blog, sorry.

Now you knew I’d get to cake eventually, and here it is. I’m a sucker for an adorable cake stand. Mind you, I almost never bake cakes, but they work just as well for cookies and cupcakes. I have a large white cake stand next to my espresso machine where I keep all my bottles of Torani syrups and when my red and white polka dot stand isn’t holding cupcakes it’s holding apples and bananas for Teno. I found this stand on Amazon, I was actually looking for a black one for myself but this one is so sweet and pink I had to add it to the list. And it’s only $24.99, shut up! Sur la Table also has a number of cute holiday cake stands including a red one that appears to be a bunch of overlapping hearts. I decided to stay away from sites that already had Valentine’s Day lists available, which is why I featured this one. But if you’re shopping for a baker that’s always a good place to go. I recently bought a set of citrus oils that sort of rekindled a fading interest in cupcake baking.

Throw backs are great, they’re inexpensive, readily available and often, more durable than vintage pieces. That being said, there just aren’t remakes like this. Not yet, anyway. This is vintage gooseberry pink Pyrex- Google it. You’ll find cassarole dishes, mixing bowls, serving pieces…all kinds of adorable stuff. This particular set is from GoAntiques.com and I think it was less than $30. This being my second “you could put fruit in it” reference you would seriously think Teno and I live in the jungle and not filthy, filthy Chicago, but again, why hide a cute bowl like this in the cupboard or bust it out only to dirty it up? Stick it on the counter and keep stuff in it. I’m sure Martha Stewart would totally endorse just throwing random kitchen items in an old bowl. Why not?

Ah now this gift, my friends, is my special gift to you. My Flickr friends can tell you how many times I’ve been asked where I find all my sweet little Japanese food miniatures and how many times I’ve said “Mitsuwa Market” and left it at that. It’s true when I need a cheap thrill I do spend a few bucks at Mitsuwa on a blind box of Re-Ment or Mega House, but here’s my real secret. For my birthday I received a TV-sized box FULL of Re-Ment and Mega House including two bakery cases and complete sets of all the cake, cookie, cupcake and donut collections. Re-Ment makes a strange and wonderful gift. You can hoard it, use it as photo props and even make jewelry out of it. I’m sure there are some of you who are wishing I would go back to talking about bras right now because you have no idea what this crap is. To those people I say- check out the “I Am a Gnome” set on my Flickr and you too will covet tiny little food items.

I will warn you, these suck to dust. They also suck if you have a two-year-old prone to jumping all over the place and knocking all your intricately-displayed miniature apple pies all over the place.

OK, you stuck with me this long so here’s your reward- chocolate weiners and cooters. (I’m a doctor, and those are medical terms.) Now, I found a ready-made Eat your Heart Out chocolate box on Etsy for $15 and that’s what made me recall these dirty chocolate molds from Confectionery House. So, either order up some chocolate weenies and ‘ginas from a sweet crafster or make your own. I don’t recommend this craft for readers who live with their parents. It just makes me feel weird to think about that. You may recall a previous post about the Dino Boner mold available at Confectionery House. They have a vast array of boner’d animals and holiday icons including but not limited to: Santa with a boner, Cupid with a boner, witches flying on boners and giant Easter bunnies with giant boners. Hi grandma.

If you’re still hungry check out the piles of horny cook books on Amazon. I picked Fork Me, Spoon Me for this posting because there’s a naked lady on the cover and the name is hilarious. I don’t really buy into aphrodisiacs all that much, but cook books are always fun to get anyway. If there was a study proving that Rama with tofu would directly result in baby-making I might believe it, but until that study is funded I’m skeptical.

I’m not one for flashy jewelry, mostly because you can’t really see jewelry on me with all the tattoos, but I’m pretty sure you’d notice two earthworms doing it on my hand. Hopefully you would notice two anythings doing it on my hand, but I mean, you can’t miss gigantic humping worms. I wish I could tell you exactly why this ring makes me so happy. It might have something to do with my love of all the creepy crawlies in Fulci films. Either way, I would totally wear this ring on the El and not even care that everyone was starring. They usually are anyway. Check out Heron Adornment for more boinking worm jewelry.

I think Jessie’s artwork has shown up in every one of my postings lately, but her stuff is super cute and funny and really affordable! She does custom paintings so you can fit all your inside jokes into a piece that will leave your girlfriend laughing and everyone else asking “why does that cupcake have a Dino Boner?” She just started doing sculptures, too, so there’s a lot to choose from on her shop.

Not to step on Jessie’s toes, but this is a good place for me to interject the importance of a personal touch. Chocolates are nice and frilly panties are great, but something that says “I actually know you” is amazing. If you can remotely draw or paint- do it! If your dude or lady doesn’t appreciate that they’re a creep and you know it! Valentine’s Day isn’t important, it’s a stupid, stupid holiday and I get SO mad when I see stupid diamond commercials on this time of year. If Tony even bought me a $2000 pair of earrings and thought that was going to tell me anything about the way he feels about me…well, he would never do that which is why I married him. Also, his amazing giant beard. Buying gifts is great, not everyone has the time to make stuff, but just… put some thought into it. I think women are generally really good at this although I’ve gotten some head-scratchers form other girls before. So if you’re going to buy, buy something like Jessie’s one-of-a-kind artwork or hand crafted chocolates or even mass-produced underpants, just make sure there’s something more behind them than just “this will keep your crotch warm.”

Oh, did I mention I also have handmade cupcake toppers, American Apparel shirts and sweatshirts in my shop? Because I do. Heh heh. Well, I’m mentioning it again because Tony decided to pick out his own gift this year and it was an iPod Touch. So I guess where I would throw diamonds in his face he would gratefully accept them and find a way to make them work with a Mac.

I’m actually just being a dick, he bought it a few days ago and he deserves it. I’ve been in school for almost a year now and when I’m home I’m either doing homework or freaking out about homework I should be doing. He’ done so much for me, from talking me into going back to school in the first place to bending over backwards to give me the time and space to do what I need to do to get A’s… he’s a pretty rad guy, actually. I made the dean’s list last semester pretty much 99% because of his awesomeness.

So I leave you to ponder this list, add to it if you like, pass it along to anyone who might not be aware that you’d like a chocolate phallus this year. Kiss and hug the people you love, point and laugh at those you don’t. Oh, and be aware that Tony and I will TOTALLY be watching the Cheaters marathon on Thursday. You can bet that will be discussed on the Bake & Destroy Flickr group. Friday I’m getting a Bake & Destroy tattoo from Chris Smith at Taylor Street Tattoo, then we will feast on pasta and go home to watch the Night of the Living Dead remake and make out.