Hostess Cuss Cakes Originally uploaded by CannibalCupcake.

Tony sort of dared me to recreate Hostess cupcakes. Well, more like he said- you can’t, that chocolate on top is like a sheet of plastic. I will say that this recipe failed in that exact area, I don’t know if I can ever recreate that plasticy chocolate lid. But the cream filling is spot-on, and that’s the part I was most concerned with. A lot of recipes I found for these had pastry cream inside. Uh yeah, that stuff’s not pastry cream. It’s barely food. So this one’s mostly shortening and poison, which is perfect. I hate it when recipes say “use your favorite cupcake recipe” because that’s what I’m fucking looking for in the first place, but in this case, if you really want to recreate the artificial goodness of a Hostess, use a box of chocolate cake mix. I made the mistake of making “from scratch” chocolate cupcakes and Tony’s one criticism was “these are way too good to be Hostess cupcakes.” So I guess use your favorite, or use a mix. Whatever. Anyway, make chocolate cupcakes. I made a dozen and ended up with cream filling to spare. I topped mine with mean messages and Tony used the extra to make oatmeal cream pies out of some oatmeal cookies I made yesterday. Then I threw a ton away. So you might want to make two dozen cupcakes or just make half as much cream filling as I did. Also, don’t use paper liners. Grease your pans for that authentic, no paper cupcake.

For the cream filling you will need:

* 1/2 cup sugar
* 1/3 cup milk
* 2/3 cup shortening
* 1/4 tsp salt
* 1 tsp vanilla
* 1 Tbs water
* 1/2 cup confectioner’s sugar

1. Beat all of the ingredients except the confectioner’s sugar in a stand mixer for 7 minutes. I specify stand mixer because you literally have to beat it on high for 7 minutes, no fucking around. If you want to stand there with your hand mixer more power to you but I certainly didn’t.
2. Then add the confectioners sugar and beat 5 minutes more.
3. Fill a pastry bag fitted with a plain round tip with the cream and poke the tip into each cupcake, squeezing and twisting. Don’t overfill them or they’ll crack.
4. When all the cupcakes are filled make the chocolate topping. You want it melty when you’re working with it.

For the chocolate topping you need:

* 1 cup brown sugar
* 4 Tbs milk
* 4 Tbs margarine
* 3/4 cup chocolate chips

1. Bring the brown sugar, milk and margarine to a rolling boil for 45 seconds.
2. Remove from heat and stir in chocolate
3. Stir until smooth, then dip each cupcake top-down into the chocolate, twisting to prevent drips
4. Allow a few minutes to set up and then top with remaining cream filling- squiggly lines or cuss words, whatever you like.

You could really use any ganache recipe for hte chocolate topping, it would taste better than this one and you’re not going to recreate the Hostess chocolate anyway so it might as well come out cute and tasty.

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